1. History
2. Money
3. Loneliness
History of Football (American) by Justin Beard
Once upon a time, there were a bunch of men who worked in a slaughterhouse in New Jersey. Their names were James, Billy, Mickey, and The Situation. They really hated working, so they decided one Saturday that they would meet in a park and beat the crap out of each other. Mickey, being the funny one, thought that I would be a great idea to bring a pig's head and throw it at the other men. So they all met up on Saturday and they started to fight. Mickey threw the pigs head at Billy, and then Billy threw it at James who threw it to The Situation. Soon enough, the boys had reinvented rugby, but had given it a much more confusing name-- football. It was ingenious, why try to limit the name football to something that would make sense like a sport where your foot is the ball? (new idea for an extreme sport; ESPN or FOX Reality Channel, here I come) The sport grew into an American... Sport. I guess you can't call it a past-time. So that is the history.
Ca-Ching!
Eventually football was so big, that people started to actually like the "sport". My guess is that American advertising started out when Budweiser's slogan was "The Beer that Will Eventually Make Milwaukee Moderately to Fashionably Famous, So Drink A Lot of It While Watching Football". The NFL decided that they wanted in and started to make a large franchise. Most people would buy a jersey or a cap, but then they decided, why would somebody just want a cap, when they can have a toilet seat that has their favorite player's face on it? And why can't we, the NFL, make it cost them $50.00 to sit on it? The funny thing about it is that people did pay for it. Almost screaming to the world,"I AM WHITE TRASH! I HAVE A TOILET BOWL CLEANER WITH DAN MARINO'S FACE ON IT!" My guess is that there is over 50 billion not spent on cancer research or removing Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from the airwaves being spent on NFL merch. How sad is this?
I'm So Lonely...
Why is football so popular? It is because it alienates the losers and makes the losers that look cool look cooler. The NFL has brainwashed you to believe that if you like football, you are cool. And that is true, when you hear about somebody talking to somebody about football, you think that person is way awesome until you realize that eventually the players they are talking about will be gone next season. They simply have memorized facts about a game so that they can talk to somebody else about the facts of the game. It seems about as meaningless to me as somebody saying "Did you see that Monopoly game last night? Could you believe that Tracy McGrady had to pass go AND NOT receive 200 dollars?!" We force children to like the sport because we know that if they do not, then they won't be accepted (me being the case in point). We have parties centered around football games so we can drink beer and eat--two of the things that we would do alone, but if feels so much better to be with others. (Not that I have even come close to touching alcohol, I am just saying) We have force fed ourselves football to make ourselves feel like we aren't lonely, but the funny thing is that when we are watching football on TV, we are not meeting new friends, we simply are spending time in front of the TV, thus creating a vicious cycle that the NFL has created.
Well, that was long-winded. Spread the news about the evils of football to all of the corners of the Earth.
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